Thursday, May 1, 2014

If Only

"Hi" She replied.
"Good Morning" I greeted her with a smile. We were meeting after two months. The last time we met... was when we broke up. When we fell apart. When things changed. Our lives changed in a click.
"Good Morning" She said and tried to sit. We were at the hospital. She was going through some operation and this is where we met again. She looked gorgeous even in that pink uniform with checks all over it. Her hair all messed up but eyes big and round with shine in them. Bandages on her right wrist and even more dressing down her right ear. I stood there right in front of her and gave her a hand to help her sit.
"How are you now? Well is it really fine that you sit? I think you should rest I mean you should keep sleeping its fine we can talk that way as well!" I speak a lot... or rather I ask a lot. At times it bothers me but i don't know how she loves that. She likes it when I ask questions and for that I don't have to do anything because that's me a big time Question Bank?
"Am bored sleeping now. And doc said its fine if I sit for a while..." She said and "Oww"
"Look you better sleep ok! No need to sit even for a while" It was painful for her as she had to take many injections on her spine which indeed hurt like hell! I helped to make her sleep again. Adjusting the pillow , blanket and her messed up her of course.
"How are you?" She asked with a smile. Smile that makes me forget everything.
"Am fine... Just working working and working in and out!" I said but, this is what i actually thought of Well am fine now after i met you again, feels complete and happy. How I wish i was in your place on that bed I could have suffered this pain for you anytime.
And out of nowhere I said the last line to her... "How I wish I was in your place on that bed" I was like Shit! I should not have said that for sure
She smiled and there was silence.
A nurse entered in the room with some more medicines. I asked her "What if i take them?" Nurse laughed and replied "Tumhare dawai lene se woh thik hoega?" She said in typical maharashtrian accent and left.
I looked at Sunaina. We saw each other and laughed.
"We are mad" She said. "Yes completely" I replied.
We were not suppose to meet in the first place and meeting her at the hospital was even more risky. So I went to meet her in the morning when her mom left and while no one was there present from her family at that time. We had long chat about what we did for two months without each other. And as we were opening up the pages of our books we realized in those two months we missed each other every single day... Our relationship was different from others... We as a couple were different from others unlike others WE NEVER FOUGHT... We laughed we lived all those moments again...
"I want you to sing for me today" She said. We sang for each other many times. There were many times in a day that we sang for each other instead of talking. We use to talk by singing like literally.
"Hehe No! its been a while... I haven't and after we broke up i have stopped listening to that song and singing as well.."
"Please! You want me to be fine right? I'll be fine if you sing for me... And am the patient so you have to do what i say" She said and laughed teasing me.
I had no other option after this.. The way she said that, I melt every time.
"Ok! But you too have to, you too have to complete the song like you always do.
"Pakka! But first you sing.. Don't make me wait." She had this beautiful smile. (I was going crazy)
I started singing and with every line her smile grew broader and broader... and I was smiling too like, like I dont know... But 'Smile chhoti padh par rahi thi by god'.
By now we were holding hands... Staring at each other smiling like idiots.
"You should sleep now!" I said
"Yah but not now.. Once you leave i will."
"Alright! Am leaving then"
"No! please stay..."
"Ok but you need to sleep..." I said and kept my palm on her forehead. "Aise toh sabko nind aa jaati hai"
"No one did this for me before" She said with her eyes closed and sweet little smile on her face.
"There's always a first time." As I said she held my hand tighter.
"You should leave, you'll be late for your office."
"I don't want to go. I want to stay here with you."
"Office is important, you have to go. I'll be fine. Don't Worry!"
"Hmm" I said and my smile disappeared somewhere. I did not want to leave.
"Go! " She said with the same smile again.
I stood up, we were still holding hands.. "Dont go" She said I sat again "No! No! Go! You have to go."
"Please take care of yourself!" I stood up and kissed her forehead.
"Yah" and I left.

She was discharged soon and we both once again started talking to each other. I felt alive again. I felt complete. Being with her, talking to her, watching her, thinking about her always made me happy. She was the one for me. It was something else.
We were now in a relationship which had no name. A relationship more than a friend and less than a couple.
Every time she felt low or sad I too felt the same. I couldn't see her that way. Never ever.
We made our rules, our promises. But what was about to happen was something I knew it the very day I met her at the hospital. I was falling for her again. But i didn't want that to happen again. I didn't want to be in a relationship again.

During these days we started sharing every single thing on our mind to each other.  And at that time I figured out she loved someone from all her heart the way I did her. And it was just fine to me. I was happy if she was. If she was happy with him I would have let her go. I too understood how it feels. I started to back out slowly just so that I don't complicate it for her. She was a girl that knew things but couldn't accept it. So i tried to do that and somewhere I succeeded too. She realized that she loved that guy. I broke when i heard that but it was me who made her do that.. made her realize.. made her accept that yes she loved him and the best part was the guy too loved her like crazy... But only because of some issues they both couldn't stay together.

Sunaina always fought for me with that guy. She liked to talk to me. We were close of course. She even said to that guy "No matter what, I am not going to stop talking to him. He (Me) was the only guy only person who stood by me when no was with me. If you see me happy and smiling today its only because of him or else I was deeply depressed."

I felt nice after hearing this but I knew something was not right. I could sense it for sure. I tried A LOT to be friend with her. But lately I realized Once in love you cannot be friend to that person.
I started feeling bad when they both met, when they both had a chat. I tried to be happy in front of her Trust me its the worst and the most difficult thing to do. 
Every time she took his name I use to somewhere die inside. I hated this feeling so badly. I wanted to shout and tell this to her that I Love You. I will love you forever till the end... till my last breath but i couldn't.. Because I was just not the one for her.

She never said this but I knew her more than she knew herself. She loved him like crazy. And that killed me.
I couldn't handle this anymore I had to do something. I couldn't stay friends with her. So one morning I decided to end it up. I tried to be rude For the first time.

"See its just not done... People come to me only when they need a shoulder to cry and then they just leave. I feel like a spare wheel of a car wherein you use it only when things are not right and rest of the time just let it be wherever it is." I din't mean any of these. But I had to. She too got mad at me and replied.
"Ok fine good that you said this! I'll see to it next time before I tell anything. It was you who said that speak your heart out and when I do i get this to hear. Thank you for listening to me. A big thanks BYE."

Things ended up but I couldn't take this.. all this happened on a mobile chat. I stood up and went straight to meet her. As we met in couple of minutes things were just fine. I saw her and I just couldn't speak. I was into her again. I Loved her like anything.

But these feelings, I couldn't handle them I had to put an end to them somehow. I wanted her to be happy. I wanted her to be clear in her mind, that guy was the one for her and they both should be together. I wanted to get out of picture completely. I knew both of them and because of me there would be issues for sure which I never wanted.

The day after I left her a message : Listen I cant take this anymore. Lets end it here. You were right, Once in love you just cant be friends. I cant be friend with you. I love you. and I can't do anything about it. Please help me out if this. I am unable to handle this. I want to be with you but not like this. I cant be with you like a friend. So please help me. Lets end it here. Let end it happily like we did it before. Please!"

Two months ago when we broke up it was done in not so usual way. We ended things happily though we didn't want to but situations made us to.

She replied "Ok as you wish! Will do as you say... Will help you for sure. Bye"

We decided to meet for the last time. It was her sisters wedding that same weekend. As I went she was right there in front of me. Dressed beautifully. I kept staring at her every second standing in a corner. I smiled when she smiled. I laughed when she laughed. She caught my eye many times and every time I skipped a beat or two. I loved her. I wanted to talk to her, meet her, embrace her, compliment her, hug her, kiss her for the last time. Sing for her for the last time. The songs were played so I asked the DJ to play the same song that we sang for each other the one in the hospital. As he played she turned around look at me. I'll never forget that moment ever and when I saw her signing too I so much wanted to hug her and cry but I was helpless.

I decided to leave as soon as possible. I met her sister and met Sunaina for a minute.
"I'll Miss You" I said in her ears.
She looked and me but said nothing.
I turned around and started walking to leave. As I reached at the gate I turned around to look at her for the last time. And to my surprise she was looking at me. I waved her Good Bye and she too.

That was last of her for me.

There's a time in life when you leave someone, not because you don't love them but, because you love them. If only I could tell her how much I loved her. If only she knew how much I loved her. If only... we could be together forever and keep our promises. 

Its better to accept something and move on instead of holding on to it and brooding over it for very long.

I wish she stays happy wherever she is. I'll cherish every moment spent with her. Those moments that am sure even she wont forget for the rest of her life. We were in love.

This was it... A small phase of my life with not so happy ending.

Sunday, December 15, 2013


Present Day:

She saw her own reflection in the water and tears fell on the surface of water disturbing the reflection.

2 Years Ago:

She was crying, sitting on a bench at the park. She was talking to someone as if anyone was sitting next to her ( But there sat no one beside her, SHE WAS ALONE ) She kept crying and talking... and there was a guy who kept looking at her to what she did and what she said. The guy was puzzled to what he saw. The girl kept on talking and also replied to some unheard questions. Later on the girl ran and went out of the park in no time, still crying loudly. The guy sat there thinking about her and left after a while.

Next day he saw the same girl... doing same thing again... she cried and started talking to nobody. Today he couldn't resist & got up to ask the girl whats wrong with her. He thought for couple of minutes & went to the girl. He stood next to her gathered some courage and asked "Are you alright?"
She turned around to see him... Her eyes red and swollen. He stepped back a bit watching her.
"Can't you see? I am crying...!!! Doesn't that mean I am not fine???" The guy was taken aback... He thought for a second about his idiotic question and tried again.
"Is there... Something... I can do? I mea..."
"What do you mean??? "The girl shouted.
"I mean... Do you... wanna talk about something... about your problem... or something like that..." He asked  with pauses & with all the courage he had.
"Can't you see I am with my boyfriend???"
This time guy stepped back again but double the step... He was confused, stunned, a bit afraid and completely numb. The girl left the same way she left yesterday.

The guy came a bit early the next day to watch the girl. He came with many questions... Why was the girl crying? Whom is she talking to? Is she a psycho? Has she lost her boyfriend and she's gone crazy? The last question made some sense to him. The girl came and sat on the same bench as usual but for a change she didn't cry and she was beautifully dressed. She wore a red gown that suited her perfectly. The guy got carried away by her charms and beauty for a couple minutes. Returning back from the trance he started walking towards the girl and was thinking of getting something out of her mind today.

"Hey hi!"
"Hi... Do i know you?"
"Well... we met yester..."
"Oh yeah yeah..." She interrupted. She continued.. "So how are you?" she asked.
The guy had a smile... thinking she is the one who was crying and talking to someone that didn't exist and she's asking me how am I?
"I am doing good.. how are you?
"Oh! Am fine..."
"You look beautiful in this dress!"
"Thanks... Actually its our 2nd anniversary today.. my boyfriend is on his way" She was blushing.
The guy was sweating again... He understood the girl was talking about the same invisible boyfriend.
"Hey look there he is!"
He was scared again
"Hey baby... Happy anniversary... She stood and hugged someone, (No one) to herself.
The guy kept staring with his eyes big and jaw dropping with every second. He had no clue what was going on.

She sat, the guy was still in a shock and the girl was talking happily to her invisible  boyfriend.
"Hey love! Meet..." She stopped and asked the boy.. "Whats your name? "
"Haan! Rrrr.. Rahul" He stammered.
"Hey even his name is Rahul... So Rahul.. meet my new friend Rahul..."
"Heeyyy Hiiii Rrrraahul..."
As soon as he said so... The girl started crying...
The guy was shocked! What happened to the girl suddenly...
"You too are the same like others... You know there's no one sitting beside me still you talking to me... Why can't anyone tell me... shout at me and tell me there's no one... I lost my boyfriend but i can still feel him around.. but no one is willing to make me understand that he's no more.. he's not around... I know he is not with me but still can feel him... His touch his voice... His smell... I just cant accept he is not around me... "
The guy was stoned he could feel the pain of the girl... the way she was expressing... her tears... He slowly put his arm on her shoulder and the girl hugged him instantly and cried like a baby... He consoled her... wiped her tears and stopped her from crying again...
He dropped her home and on their home they didn't utter a word. But there were some unsaid things they both understood. Like they would meet again tomorrow at same place.

Next Day ( A New Journey ) :

They both met at the park and then planned to go out for a coffee where they can share some important parts of their life.

"We met with an accident... I survived but he couldn't... His brain was damaged and he couldn't..." She couldn't complete the rest.
"We had a wonderful relationship... We never fought... We just loved... We cried for each other when we couldn't meet... We just couldn't stay apart but today... here... here i am... alone..." She cried again.
"Shhh!!! Dont cry... someday he had to leave... you have to leave... Kabhi toh door hona hi tha..." He tried a bit.

"Yahh! I know... but why on the day we first met... Yesterday was our 2nd anniversary... and I lost him last year on the same day... for the past one year i have been living with his memories... with his thoughts... with his feel... am living with his memories that still makes me smile... The way he talks... the way he makes me laugh... The way he use to call my name... The smile we use to share... I still live with it... I still live with him... He's still with me... and will always be..."

The guy couldn't believe that true love still survived... He thought about the guy who was so lucky to have her but maybe someone controlling us sitting upstairs didn't want them to be together...

"Can we meet everyday...?"She asked
"Yah we can" He said without even thinking for a second.
"You dont have any work? I mean what do you do?
"Well! My father is a rich man.. He wants me to join him but usse pehle he wants me to enjoy my life.. so he's not allowing me to work.
"Ok so will meet here... everyday... same time..."
"But why me? I mean why you sharing all this with me? Why you wanna meet me? "
"Because you were the first guy who cared about the crying girl and you never wanted anything from me... You know what i mean.."
"Ohhh Ok.. I get it.. You need not worry about that... you are in safe hands..." He said and smiled.
"Yeah I know" She smiled for  the first time.
"Oh my god!.. Look at your smile... its awesome... Keep doing that fella... You look gorgeous... " He said it loudly.
"Hahaha thanks... Feels good to hear some compliment after ages..." She laughed and smiled.
"Anytime jee"

They both left and met everyday...

Slowly as they kept meeting.. the girl was feeling better... she was smiling again... she felt as if she got a new life... They would still talk about him but it didn't affect her much now... She would tell about their memories... about their time they spent... She started sharing everything about her life... She was happy.
The guy only heard to what she said... He never complained anything... he was loving it... He could sit and listen to her for hours and hours...

They started going out... they went out for lunch... dinners... for weekends... they started spending most of their time together... they kept going to each others places... met their families... the girl's parent's were more then happy that their daughter was out of that incident...

But they both never came close... they both never even gave a thought of coming close... they just loved each others company... their talks.. their past.. their memories...

2 Years Later (Present Day) : 

"What happened? You look a bit upset today? " She asked him.
They were sitting at the same coffee shop.
"No I... I am not feeling good... My head's paining... It about to burst..."
"Lets go home... You need rest dear..."
"Yah... Lets go... But to your place... I like being there... Feels homely... At my place at times i feel like a stranger..."
"Yah lets go"
They left from the coffee shop.

On their way home...

She put her arm around him and let him sleep on her shoulder...

"I Love You.." She murmured.
"Did you say something?"
"No nothing... I didn't..."
The girl was back in her past... She could remember the same thing happening with her with her boyfriend... She had tears but wiped them before he could see.

They reached home she made him some tea and he went to sleep... She was lying on the couch... and suddenly the guy came running... pulled her hand and took her out...
The girl was shocked and had no clue what was happening...
"What happened? Where are we going?" She said loudly..
"Just follow me..." He said even more loudly.

He took her to the lake... the girl was shocked... and she already started crying...

She saw her own reflection in the water and tears fell on the surface of water disturbing the reflection.

"I Love You Sunaina" The guy said...
Girl cried and cried... She understood everything...
"I... I love you too babu..." She said and hugged him tightly.

"You proved it again that you love me more than anyone in this world... My baby loves me sabse zyada... mujhse bhi zyada..." He too cried. "I remember everything babu... sabkuch... from day one... when I proposed you here... 4 years ago... The day when i saw you at the park... The guy you were talking to was right there... in front of you... I Love You Baby... I Love You... You were talking to your love... to your life... to your heart... to your heartbeat... to your babu... to me... I also remember the accident... I was hurt... my brain got damaged and I forgot you... I forgot my love..." He cried loudly... They both hugged.. they kissed... they were in love.

"I love you baby... I love you... am soo happy to have you back jaan... am soo happy... I love you.. I love you.. I love you. I love you..." She hugged him again kissed him...

"Am lucky to have you love... Am soo lucky... You waited for me.. you didn't give up... You loved me.. you brought me back... I am with my babu again... with my love... I love you.. I love you..."

The girl's boyfriend was no one else but the same guy... He lost his memory in the accident and all he forgot was his love... But the girl didn't give up... She stood there... She hanged in there till the end.. She loved him till the end.. Everything she did was to bring back her love... She believed in her love.. in their love.. She had this HOPE to get him back.. just a hope... doctors didn't give any assurance but her love proved it.. she did it.. they were together... For the last two years she was with her love but couldn't say those three words.. when they lived together all they did was loved each other.. they said I love you to each other 100's and 1000's times a day.. still they were not content... Its said "Love is sweet when its new... But its better when its true.."  It had been difficult for her to stay in front of her love everyday and still act like a stranger... She would cry for hours and hours after going home.. and would pray to bring back his memory soon... She loved him like mad... He loved her like crazy... They both then lived together... forever...

"All you need to do is just hangin there... "


Friday, October 4, 2013

Another Beautiful Promise

It was Last day of my school everyone was promising to stay in touch, planning for an outing and some were busy with their plates filled with excess of food almost having a hungry child's meal. I was standing alone far from everyone and staring her. Thinking what would I do after school... Not in case of studies but how will I be able to see her ( The Only Girl I Liked or Loved )

There was this girl in my class Suhani. The topper of the class and the school. A big time geek ( well others felt so ) Simple girl with no habits of a girl except Studying. I never saw her gossiping or yapping around. She never remained absent and that was the only reason I never bunked or missed any classes or days of my school. She was hopelessly gorgeous. Cute Greek nose, fair, beautifully curved pink lips and even better when she smiles my god she made me crazy then. School for me was just looking at her... The way she writes, the way she talks ( though negligible  ) Her smile... Her hair when she use to tie a pony and those flicks kissing her cheeks and in every minute or two she use to put them behind ears... I wished to be those flicks too at times.

So I was standing - staring - imagining - and to my surprise I saw her walking towards me. My mouth open jaw dropping down slowly. As she came closer my heartbeats started increasing it would have left any F1 car way behind, that fast. She was wearing pink saree with no make up, just a hint of pink lipstick and Kohl which she wore everyday. Her eyes were big like a new born baby's eye and shining bright as if in immense happiness. In no time she was standing in front of me and I was staring hard at her straight into her eyes. She clicked her fingers in front of my face and brought me back to the real world.

"Hi am Suhani..."
"Hi.. Sorry I was Just..."
"What kind of a name is this? " She chuckled and asked.
"Am Harsh... And by the way I know you... Actually everyone does..." I was nervous my hands sweating like hell... Heart pumped so fast I thought even she would hear it.
"So what even I know you..." She smiled and said.
"You do? How" I inquired in a shock.
"Well how can I not know my fan... My biggest fan..." She said and started laughing. She looked even more beautiful. Her hair left open and those flicks again playing their part.
"Haha I fan? I didn't get you!" Another question. At times I talk less and question more.
"I know you stare me THE WHOLE DAY" She emphasized on those last 3 words.
"No I just..."
"Shhh don't deny I have seen you staring me" she paused and continued slowly " I like that".
I had nothing to say... I just looked at her with my idiotic blank face.
"You are the only guy in the ENTIRE school who looks at me with a feeling of friendship with a feeling of LOVE... Rest everyone thinks all I want is marks and they think I have attitude and so no one talks to me" Her face dropped with sadness.
"Hey don't be sad... and there for you" I had no clue why in the world I said this... I was regretting it.
But... on the very next second i didn't. She came close to me like very close and kissed my right cheek and said "Thank you so much...  And you know what... I kinda like you... You are honest and simple." She said with a smile a beautiful smile.
By now I had come to know whenever she became nervous she use to bite her lower lip slowly...
"Don't bite them they are beautiful..." I replied with a smile FOR THE FIRST TIME. I was on cloud nine...
She looked at me her smile grew from broad broader to BROADEST.
"So Do you Too...?"
"I too what?"
"Will you always be so nervous, are you really that dumb or you act like one?" She giggled.
"Hmm actually..."
"Just say it idiot..." She came near me held my hand filling the spaces between fingers.
"I LOVE YOU... A LOT... I JUST DO... YOU MAKE ME GO CRAZY..." I said as fast as I can. She started laughing and slapped me slowly playfully and said "I LOVE YOU TOO..." she came close to my ear and whispered "MORE THAN YOU"
"Promise me one thing... You'll never let 'US' fall apart" She said
"Never Ever... Even after our last breath" I replied
She smiled holding my hand, we left from school had dinner and coffee at a small 'Tapri' where I use to go, as she too loved coffee.

I never understood what happened that night... From where did she come... Why did she loved me... What did I do that she loved me... Many questions came in my mind that night... I was smiling like an idiot after dropping her at her place.

We both completed are college.. Same college same class same bench... We both were hot favorite of our college... Always stayed together... Never fought... and always helped people in love... She loved to do that.. and so did I of course.

Unfortunately we couldn't get job in the same company... She took up teaching and I selected Web Designing... We never use to chat on mobile phones... We both preferred meeting... Or phone calls... Our phone calls lasted maximum for 5 min... We use to write letters... We both loved 'Purana Zamane Wala Love' We exchanged letters if any when we met so that we could have all the memories safe. She was a good writer actually a superb writer. Her letters showed love and my letters had nothing special... I still use to follow letter formats taught in school and she use to get mad at me and I use to laugh like a devil... at the end she use to hug me kiss my cheeks and only then she left.

The best part was it wasn't a routine every hug was with love... Every kiss was with a hope of seeing you again and a concern to stay fine and taking care.

One day I thought of playing a prank with her and wrote a letter saying this is our last meeting and we wont ever meet again... Please forget me... and blah blah blah...

I handed her the letter trying hard not laugh... She read and started laughing... "You think I'll believe this...? Love you..." and she hugged me... I took the prank ahead... I did not reciprocate. She then felt something was really wrong... Please don't tell me all this is true... I would die without you baby... Tell me whats wrong... What mistake have I made... and she burst into tears... the first thing that came to my mind was NOW AM A DEAD MAN... HOW CAN I MAKE HER CRY...?

"Hey am so sorry... Mai mazak ka raha tha... Shhhh... please dont cry please... am so sorry... Was kidding but am so sorry... Sorry to make you cry... Am ready for any punishment you like..." I was holding her face... wiping her tears and I too started weeping... like a child...

"I hate you... You made me cry..." She cried and hugged me tightly... This time I did reciprocate with all my love. "Don't ever leave me... You are my life... If you Die I die..." She said hugging me and crying like a baby and talking in a Baby's Tone.

"Am so sorry... Please forgive me... You are my life too... Even if you die I die..."
She stopped hugging and was now holding my face and said "NO... If I die you Live... I'll wait for you upstairs... I don't want our love to die because of me" and kissed me.

We went home and it was 8 in the night, I was having my dinner and my phone rang.. It was Suhani! I disconnected as she knew disconnecting meant either busy or Having Dinner. Phone rang again and the screen flashed her name again... This time I answered as I thought it would be urgent. "Having dinner jee! You had?" On the other side a male voice replied "Hello! Harsh... Yahan ek accident hua hai... Jiska accident hua hai uske phone se baat kar raha hun... Aap jaldi citizen hospital mai aa jao..."

I was stoned by the news. I left my food on the table and ran out of my house without informing anybody at my place... I reached to the hospital and asked for Suhani's room... I was sweating, tears filled upto the corners of the eyes... as soon as I saw Suhani I broke into tears... I ran straight to her... Her face was full of blood... her hands and legs hurt badly... I was weeping hard... I did not ask anyone anything... I cried cried and cried my Suhani was hurt... She was in pain... She was bleeding... Doctor then took hold of me... and took me out of the room... "Look she's in a critical state... Her head banged hard to the cars windshield and... " Doctor stopped... "And what doctor... What happened to my Suhani" I was crying and shouting at the same time... "and the car ran on the left part of her body.. Damaging her entire left part. She is very critical and there are no chances no hopes."

"I fell down on my knees..." My mind was blank... no thoughts just Suhani all over my mind... By then Suhani's parents too reached at the hospital.

Her dad made me stand... "She'll be fine... Kuch nai hoga usse beta..."
I looked at him and hugged him and cried, wept like anything...

All I had was Suhani and our memories... Our future plans she had made... Everything she said came like a flashback... I did not wanted to lose her... I did not wanted to stay without her... I thought it is a punishment for evening prank that I played... I cursed myself... I went to her room and sat next to her... Scratches all over her face... Her hands... Her Shoulders... I was weeping again... "I am sorry Suhani... Please forgive me.. Please... Get up... We need to do lot of things yet... Please don't leave..." I cried my heart out.

I slept lying on her bed and in the morning at 7 she made some movements... "Harsh" She said in a very slow voice... I could feel her pain from her voice... I stood up, looked at her... I called the doctor. He examined her and I was told to wait outside. "Harsh she needs to talk to you... Please don't put stress on her..."

I ran inside saw her eyes open a bit... " Suhani..." and I were in tears again... "Don't cry..." She was talking in a very low voice. "Shh... don't..." I kissed her forehead... She smiled... and said "I'll wait for you upstairs"

"No Suhani you are not going anywhere... We have to live togther..."

"I lived my life...A beautiful life... Thank you for that..." ... "No babu... please dont say this... I cant live without you..." I cried. "NO... If I die you Live" and she smiled again... FOR THE LAST TIME.

I was all alone... Except her memories... her smile...
I still go to our meeting place and read her letters... Our memories.

Suhani left me.
My love My Life My Soul Left Me.

I kept her promise... I lived... And did not let us fell apart EVEN AFTER OUR LAST BREATH.
I just lived... I am just living because I am breathing...

Writing this for her... For my Love... For Suhani... She loved to read... I'll still write for her...

Love You Suhani. Till my last breath... and even after that... Fulfilling 'Another Beautiful Promise' of yours. Not letting our love fall apart because of you.


Monday, July 8, 2013

Those Unspoken Words

"Hello... Kya haal hai? " I asked
"Sab Thik... Tu Bata"
"Fine! A usual" I answered with a fake smile.

It was 3 in the afternoon on a busy Wednesday. We were meeting for the very last time. 'We' states 'Me and 'Her' (the girl I loved and I still do )
My story is quite usual. Boy loves a girl, girl does not reciprocate his feelings and then the girl is married to someone else, THE END. But like every other story even I wanted to meet her for the last time(last time hurts a lot trust me) And we met. But 'Jab We Met' what happened was something very unusual, that doesn't happen in real life it only happens in reel  life.
She belongs to a family where parents are still living in an era where 'Love' is a crime forget about adding 'Marriage' as a suffix.

"So... What is it? Tumhe kuch kehna tha!" She asked.
"Yuss! But KUCH nahi, BAHUT KUCH kehna hai..."
"Hmm hmm go ahead! Main sunn rahi hun..."
"Umm... Well you need to read actually..." I said and handed over a letter to her(ofcourse I wrote it)

I was (am) quiet good at writing (well she says so). And 'Somethings Are Well Said When Written'. I gave it to her and she had this Smile on her face for which I could do anything(ANYTHING).
She started reading and with every line her smile grew broader and broader and eventually she had one beautiful ear to ear smile. Her lips were at their best and working wonders on me (obviously) as that's all I could see now, her SMILE.


            If you remember you had asked me once... 'What if you tell me a yes? What if you too love me?' That day I couldn't answer you... But today I will... I... I would first hold you in my arms. I would embrace you, admire you and love you. Yes! I would... If i could... Its been almost eight years I have been waiting and today when its the END I want you to see through my heart. I still have no answer to 'Why I love you?' I just do and always will... As its said 'You'll Find True Love Hiding Behind Patience'
            Every time I see you my heart starts pounding as if its my last breath. This is what you do to me... You make me crazy... And I love that feeling... This letter, this last meet, this moment, all this won't stay anymore and you too. I won't be able to see you again... I won't be able to make you smile... I know its the end but.... I'll always love you. I won't let my Love end like this relation between us. You'll stay with me in my mind, my heart, you'll always be close to me no matter what... I write for you and will always write just for you. 
           There are many memories of yours thank you for that as am going to spend the rest of my life remembering them and this moment its really bad... I don't want you to go, this is the last memory of yours to me. The smile you'll have while reading this. Please don't cry I know you will do that too but I don't want that to happen, Never Ever. 
           The first time I saw you, I had no clue what was that... I kept staring you the entire day. Maybe that was the first day where I was Love Struck. With no reason no hopes and no expectation. I'll Miss You! I'll miss everything about you. Our calls, chats, my letters to you... This is the last letter I am writing I swear... No one else deserves this other than you. 
           I wish I could hold the time... I wish this day this moment never ends... I... I Just  I Love You Yaar... Please don't leave me! 
           Mai tujhe bahut buri tarah miss karne wala hun... Woh Mandir mai milna... Tere college aana aur tujhe padhaane ke bahane tujhe ghanto tak taakna... Teri woh hasi, tera woh muskurana... Mai bahut miss karunga... Ab mai kisse baatein karunga.... Kise apne bure bure joke sunaunga... Please mat jaa...! 
            Maine aaj tak tujhse kuch nahi manga, jaate jaate bus ek chiz deti jaana teri woh hasi mere naam kar jaana... Aur nahi likh paunga... Kehna toh abhi bahut kuch hai par kuch aur kaha toh tut jaunga... 
            Bus ek waada kar mujhe bhul na jaana... Mai hamesha tera intezaar karunga... Chahe jo ho jaaye yaad rakhna koi hai jo hamesha tere saath rahega...
            Apna Dhyn Rakhna!
            Aaj bhi wahi naam likhunga... Fikar Not!


I always wrote Ankita at the end of greeting cards or any gifts instead of my name. (for obvious reasons)
She read the letter and looked at me. Her eyes shining almost crying. She started weeping and hugged me. This never ever to me... For the first time we came so close... She wept like a child... I had no words or I guess I was not in my senses... I didn't care what the world said neither did she... After regaining my senses I too embraced her and then she said something which took my breath away.

"I Love You... I Love you..." She kept on saying while she was crying.
"I Love You Too..." I was choked.
"I won't leave you... I Love You..." And kissed my cheeks.
I hugged her with all the love.

"I'll talk to my dad... I'll do whatever it takes to be with you... Am glad we met... Am glad you wrote this letter or else I would have never known that someone loves me so much... I am Sorry to keep you waiting for so long... But not anymore... We'll be together... Forever."
"I... I... "
She placed her hand on my heart and said "Don't worry am not leaving you... Say it..."
"I Love You Suhani"
"I Love You Too" She replied and winked.

In the end she broke her engagement... My mom is marwadi that made it easy for us to convince her dad as they were marwadi too.
So 'Marriage' was added as a suffix to 'Love' for the first time in her family.

"Let your heart speak the language of love before its too late"


Wednesday, December 12, 2012

The Day I Died

"Ummm wanna meet you, NOW!"
"Why? What happened? All good? Sab thik?"
"Ohhhh Missing me huh?" I interrupted
"Shut up, Don't ask me anything now, will let you know everything... But, first meet me as soon as possible."
"So See you in 30 minutes."
"What?Wait! 30Minutes!? Is it that important?"
"Yes! and you better not be late"
"ok!" I said in a low tone but she had disconnected the call.

            The conversation made my brain think NOTHING. She was tensed and worried I could sense that. There was this weird feeling approaching me... which said 'Something's gonna happen, SOMETHING BAD... or rather WORST'. I was now thinking at the speed of light. Actually I was OVER thinking and when you over think its only Negative thoughts that cover your mind like the black clouds before rain.
Lots of questions started hitting me here and there everywhere... What would have happened? Is she ok? Is everything at her place fine? has anyone got the hint about us, we being in a relationship? What if her Dad gets to know about this? Will he accept us(me)? (No. my mind replied the very next second )Will her sister help us? What if she asks me to marry her? Am I ready? Will I be able to take her responsibility NOW? How will I convince her dad? Do we have run and get married? and on and on and on... this continued until I reached.
           We met at an old under construction building as no one saw us there as the construction work was stopped long time back.  We sat at the top most slab of the building, the 8th floor. It had nothing except few incomplete pillars. I went upstairs running, falling on my knees twice.
          I loved her so much, more than anyone. She was my life and still is. It took her 5 years to confess, to say that she loved me. She was on my mind every second, my dreams always comprised of her, I could go gaga about her for the entire day... 'I Love Her'. She was 'Pretty' but her heart was 'Gorgeous' , 'Spotless' , 'Bliss' I couldn't have asked for anything else. She meant 'World' to me. Her eyes 'Big fat almond shaped just like a new born baby's' her hair 'Sheer Beauty' those flicks when rested on her cheeks would add more charm to her beauty. She got beautiful every time I met her. I still have no clue how she use to do that. She had the most graceful walk and the best part was 'She was beautiful and she didn't knew it' And now for the first time ever she was upset, the girl I love, the love I admired.
          While I was on my way I made sure I buy something for her, to bring that 'Smile' on her face again. So I picked up Red rose and a Dark Chocolate (Her Favorite). I reached upstairs and to not to my surprise she was already waiting for me as I was 10 minutes late. "Sooorrrr..." I did not even complete my sorry and she came running and hugged me. The flower and the Chocolate were down. I was now getting more worried, I could feel the tears on my shoulder and in no time she was crying... and sobbing.

"Hey! What happened?" I tried to release myself from her magical embrace but I couldn't.
"Shhh..." She was still crying like a baby.
"Stay here... In my arms" She ORDERED many times
"Am always there for you... In your arms and heart... Don't worry, whatever it is, will be fine." I consoled. 
 I decided to keep quite and let her cry, maybe that would make her calm down and she will be able to speak than.

            After about 5 minutes of crying, sobbing, hugging, embracing and consoling she finally released me from her. She stood in front of me with eyes swollen, pink cheeks and tomato red nose. She placed her hands on my cheeks and kissed me all over my face... Forehead, Eyes followed by Noes, Cheeks, Chin and to end with, a passionate kiss on lips. "I Love You... I Love You so much..." She was about to cry again but this time it was me who hugged her.

"Feeling Better? "
"It can never be better." She said holding my hands.
"What? I am not getting you? Whats the issue sweetheart?" I was getting nervous, impatient, restless and don't know what else.
"Whats over?"
"Whh...hhaattttt are you saying? Are you in your senses? "
"I wish I was not... I wish" She was crying again.
"Look at me... Tell me exactly, whats the issue, whats the fuzz about... Why are you crying? And OVER? Are you out of your mind?" I would get paranoid by now but I never shouted or scolded her so I kept my voice low.
"Please tell me dear..." I continued. Both of us staring deep into each others eyes, I was lost then and there. 'ITS OVER' kept echoing in my mind.
"We have to put an end to our relationship, my... my wedding has been fixed."
"WHAT!" It was more of a shock than a question. "And you too Agreed??? Tell me you are not serious, tell me its a prank, tell me its a dream and will get over soon..." I was broken, I was shattered, My senses were out of order, My mind was not responding. I was numb. I WAS DEAD.
"I don't have the courage to do anything against my dad."
I was in no position to speak and react.
"I am sorry... I know I have hurt you... I know..."She was sobbing again " I know how much you love me, even I do, but... I just don't have courage, those guts to marry you against my dad's will."
I looked at her... Her wet teary eyes... "If you had courage to love me... Why can't you convince your dad? We will convince your dad." I said wiping off the tears running down my cheeks.
"I know my dad... He would rather kill me but he will never accept this."
"Why sweetheart? Why? I... I Love You yaa... " It was me crying now... Like a kid with a broken toy. She broke my heart just like a toy, there was no much difference between me and that kid.
"Please... Don't do this to me... We'll try once... Please... "I was almost pleading her. Tears made their way down the cheeks and in a much rapid way.
"Don't... Don't cry please... Its not easy for me too... I cannot live without you... But we have to do this... Please... For me... For your Love... For your Suhani Please! " And we both cried our heart out. We hugged each other.. We embraced... We kissed... Again and Again... We didn't wanted to leave each other. We wanted to spend our entire life together but here we were... Crying... Meeting for the last time... I couldn't say much as she made me swear on our good times spent together... on our love... on her. At times even though you don't believe on such stuff you end up trusting them and believing them.

I died. With no senses working, nothing in the world seemed fine as the person whom I loved, admired, use to respect was not with me anymore.

"I should now leave..." Her eyes staring mine. "I Love You..."
"Don't say that..." I interrupted.
"Am sorry... But please don't do this... please... I Love You... and will always do..." Tears made their presence again
"I can never ever forget you... I will never forget you... You'll be safe in my heart..." She said those lines and gave me a smile as those lines were once said my me to her. The day I proposed her... the day I was born again and today she was consoling me with the same line on 'The Day I Died'.
"I Love You Too... the time we had spent... Was the time I lived my life... Because they had you... and now... MY LIFE is going away from me, leaving me, to die" I said taking big pauses as I cried and she hugged me tightly and so did I. We kissed and we kissed again.
"Please go before I break down because if I do..."
She was coming close to me again...
"Look if you come any closer... I am not letting you go..." Though this line was from a movie it still had a lot of impact on the situation. She stopped. She did not wanted to leave but she had to. I had to.
She picked up the rose and the chocolate and looked at me with teary eyes... for the very last time. I managed to smile and so did she... She started moving... She was leaving... I was watching her for the last time... Tears were rolling down my cheeks... And in no time she was out of my sight... I was down on my knees and cried out loudly... I was sobbing... Everything about her came to me like a flashback black and white movie... The first time I saw her, the confessions, the coffee, the early morning meetings, the pranks, her laughter, her smile, her giggles, her eyes, her pathetic PJ's everything came back to me like a bazooka.

I had no reason to live, I had many reasons to die. But I wasn't that weak... My love wasn't that weak...
I separated myself from the rest of the world, I started living alone, Talking to no one, I tried to keep myself busy, I worked day and night... But nothing helped... She was still there... She will always be there... My love for her will always persist. If heart beating and senses working means you are living than yes I am living but, If you live for someone, the person you love... I DIED THAT DAY.

Leaving you'll here with many questions Why didn't I force her? Why did she love me if didn't had the courage to face her dad? What happened to her and to me? Did we ever meet? I would say... Its Love... And its not about getting someone... Its not about expecting the love back from them... Its all about feelings.

"Love cannot me forced... Its unconditional, Unreasonable without any Hopes and Expectations"

Sunday, November 4, 2012

One Beautiful Promise


          It was Saturday I was alone at my place my mom luckily went to visit my granny as she was not doing well. I was waiting for the clock to strike 2 as someone special, the girl I admired, I liked, I loved was coming to meet me... for the last time... Yes for the last time...
It has been 7 years since I loved her... since I saw her for the first time... in my school... I still remember those beautiful eyes, her smile, her flicks that kissed her cheeks every now and then and the way she use to put them behind her left ear. It was Bliss for me then and even now. But unfortunately it was all going to end today...

Why does this happen...??? You try to forget someone but apparently you end up loving them even more... May be that's what you call 'Love' or maybe 'True Love' as they say it... And I am saying all this from my experiences and not just any random philosophical thoughts... "Experience always wins over Philosophy" I say it most of the time and its true too, I believe.

Clock was counting its last minutes to make it 2 pm... and with every minute passing my heartbeat was increasing just like India's population and Inflation... My hands were sweating like hell. This happened to me every time I met her... The time I use to wait for her was directly proportional to amount of nervousness I use to hold. Trust me if anyone would stand by me, he could have easily count my heartbeats, they were that fucking loud.
So... it was 2 and she was late as always... But this time just 5 minutes late... Yes! She was there in front of me, I saw her walking towards my house and in no time she was standing right in front of me... I kept looking at her, I couldn't utter a word. She was waiting for me to let her in but I was already in her dreams. (At times day dreaming is awesome, try it someday)

She looked so gorgeous... so so beautiful. Her beautiful eyes, Kohl eyes I would  say that... Her smile that killed me every time I saw it. She wore a pink Kurti that ended at her knees and black jean. I always liked her in Kurti and jeans and I was glad that she wore it that day. The last day that I would be seeing her.
I came back to the real world as soon as she hit me hard on my left arm.

"Ohh sorry...!!! Please... Please... Come in dear...! Am so sorry to keep you waiting..." I said. I was embarrassed. She smiled and killed me again, I swear.

"Its OK..." she said and giggled.

"Why are you laughing?" I asked with a smile.

"Haha I have never seen mad in love and... Why in the world do you love me so much?" She killed me twice in minute.

This question was still a mystery for me too... I had no clue why I loved her, and how much I loved her.. all I knew was: I LOVED HER... She use to drive me crazy.

I answered, as I always did: I smiled.

"So why you wanted to meet at my place? We were suppose to meet at CCD right? So.. why this sudden change in the plan?" I fired all the questions together.

"Well, promises are meant to be kept... I had once promised you, that one day i'll surely dance with you... 'Close Dance' " She said and winked.

"Oh! Now that is something I wasn't expecting... I remember I had asked you and you had promised me..." I smiled and continued "Thank you"

"Its OK, its just a dance and as its our last meeting so I thought why not make it special" She said.

Now I just don't understand this thing if you don't love me... Why the hell you want our last meeting to be special? I mean why? She was so difficult to understand.

"That sounds nice..." I said and moved towards my kitchen to make some coffee for both of us. As I entered the kitchen, in no time, she was standing right next to me.

"Let me see how do you make that special coffee of yours..." She said and kept her elbow on my right shoulder. She always liked the coffee I use to make for her and every time she asked me "How do you make  it?" I always replied "Its a secret... Special coffee for Special people and in a special mug" I had this Nescafe mug which had Deepika's autograph embossed on it... I never use to let anyone use that mug of mine but as said she was 'Special'.

So now it was time to keep up the promise. I played one of my favorite song 'Hero' by Enrique and coincidentally  it was her favorite too, so , we decided to dance on that track. This was the first time I came close to her, like very close. My hands on her waist, her hands on my shoulders, our eyes staring, she smiled and I smiled back and felt as if all my senses are about to die, I was about to die... Music started.... Our bodies moved... I could feel her breath, the warmth of her body, her eyes that were more addictive than any drug in this world... her lips so beautiful ; So beautiful that 'Kissing her would be the end of the world'... (I being a filmy guy always used movie dialogues quite often) They(Her lips) were perfect as if god has carved them by himself and would call it as his masterpiece.

It was the best moment of my life, which I would never ever get again. I was loving every second, every bit of it... Every move was perfect, like we have been practicing since ages. What happened next was surprising... I would have never thought it would happen to me. She came even more close to me and hugged me. 'I felt like the king of the world' I wanted that moment to stop then and there itself. I wanted to hold her tight, embrace her, lover her, admire her, kiss her... Yes! Kiss her.

I moved my hand upwards... my hands moved slowly from her waist to her back and yes I completed the hug. She was in my arms, I had my dream, my love in my arms I would have cried out of happiness I was that happy... We both hugged each other tightly and our feet kept moving on the tune... The music stopped we stopped, I was getting in my senses again but there was something more waiting for me that day... I tried to leave her but she did not.

"Don't leave me... Never ever... I feel safe in your arms... I feel complete..." She said while she was still holding me and even more tightly now.

"I wont ever leave you sweetheart... Never ever... But... " There was this ecstatic feeling I had. I was waiting for this moment from the very first moment I had seen her. But why now? when everything was about to get over... This was suppose to our last meeting... So why now? I had so many questions I wanted to ask but chose to do otherwise.

"But what???" She asked.

"But this is our last meeting right? " I questioned her and probably my last question. What she said next was unbelievable.

"No this isn't our last meeting, in fact, this is our first as lovers" She whispered in my ears and continued... "I love you" and she looked at me.

We both were facing each other, eyes stuck, we could feel each others breath, I was holding her, my hands on her back, I pulled her towards me, she tied her hands around my neck and we 'Kissed', it was perfect and as usual I had to bring out the filmy part of mine... I said "The girl doesn't know anything about kissing as its a man's business" she smiled and we kissed again this time it was me who took the initiative. It was the best first kiss actually second.

It feels great when the person whom you love, loves you back... I was on cloud nine. Neither of us wanted to move away. We stood there holding each other, kissing each other, embracing each other... We both felt complete, secured and madly in love. Our hands moving from faces to shoulders than on faces again...

"I am reborn today" She said, her eyes confused whether to look into my eyes or lips.

"If you are reborn, you should be naked" I said and smiled, she kissed me and replied.

"You can have me than..."

"Can I ?" I asked.

"You can have me anytime" She kissed me again this time more passionately.

The above lines were from movie Casino Royale. We had once said this to each other just for fun but this time it was serious. Never thought this would be real.

"I would never do anything that is against your conscience" I said and smiled.

"I love you even more after this..." She said and kissed my right cheek. "So lets keep something for later..." She winked.

"Yes! " I giggled.

"I am glad you kept the promise and I must say this was the most beautiful promise ever." I said holding her hand.

I was in love, she was in love... and when you are in love its the worlds best feeling.
We sat in each others arms that whole evening talking about us... until there was a knock at the door, it was my mom. She(My love) than left after sometime we hugged and waved good bye. But she left many things behind at my place... The memories, her Love, the best day of my life and one ear to ear smile on my face...!

Later that night, all I could think of was that 'Beautiful Promise' that 'One Beautiful Promise'


Thursday, September 27, 2012

That One (Love) Letter

It was one usual day, but she was upset and I had to meet her and make her SMILE.

"Hey meet me after your classes, just for 5 minutes." I messaged

"Kyun milna hai" She replied after 5 minutes I guess

"Hai kuch kaam, Kuch dena hai.."


Now whenever she replied with "Hmm" or "Ok" it stated she was in a bad mood or rather upset. I had no clue what i was going to give her. I said so just because i wanted to meet her. I returned home and decided to write something for her, I did not think what i was going to write but i made sure whatever i write should bring that SMILE back to her face.

She calls herself my fan because she likes what I write, my Shayris, The Quotes and for the first time I was writing something that did not have any brain in it but only what I felt. I reached home and first thing in my to do list was to start writing. I had to meet her by 8.30 outside her classes so I made sure I was on time. I wrote the letter without thinking a bit just kept on jotting down what came to my heart at that very moment... I was a bit choked all the moments were flashing like those in some Yash Raj movies... :) There was a slideshow in my mind, of all the time we spent together till the time i finished writing.

Sorry but cannot POST the letter as it was meant to be read only by her. ;-)

I reached on time in fact 15 minutes earlier than the decided time. I stood there with my hands as cold as ice, sweating like it was hot summer... As the time came closer to meet her, my heart started pounding even faster... After waiting for a while I saw her.

The moment I see her I swear to god I feel as if this is the best thing that can ever happen to me. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Her smile, her eyes so beautiful brown almond shaped big eyes as that of a new born baby (Has mentioned this line in the letter too) So gorgeous... those flicks of her when they kiss her cheeks I so very love to see that.. but I feel quite jealous too at the same time, I wish I was them... She was upset but managed to keep that smile on her face but nothing was hidden from me the moment she came and stood next to me. Everything was understood without saying a word it was the feeling that spoke.

"Hi" I said

"Hello" She replied with that fake smile.

"Kya haal hai? "

"Am Fine, Bolo" I loved to here that... I loved when she said "Bolo" don't know why but I do...

"This is for you" I gave her the letter.

"Tune likha hai?"

"Nai mere padosi ne" I said and we both giggled.

"You want me to read it now?" She questioned

I nodded in affirmation.

As she started reading the smile was visible already... and as she read, the Smile just grew bigger and bigger and at the end she was left with one beautiful Ear to Ear smile. Wow! She is so beautiful... I said to myself the latter part.

"You know what? Aaj tak kisi ne bhi mujhe aisa koi letter (Love letter) nai diya hai.. Aur shayad koi dega bhi nahi..." She looked at the letter and continued... "You made me really happy today... I can say itni khushi mujhe aaj tak kabhi nahi hui... aur hogi bhi nahi i guess... i never thought someone would write me a love letter" she said all this while she was still smiling.

I had a mini heart attack after hearing that... "You made my day sweetheart... You made my day... I... Mai puri zindagi bita sakta hun us ek pal ke sahare..." We both laughed. Words just flooded in... I had no clue what I am saying or what am I gonna say next... I kept looking at her... We both wanted to Hug each other embrace each other but couldn't as there were students around, so we chose to do the otherwise... We shared smiles.. lots of smiles... we spoke a lot without saying anything... It was first time I felt that she too has that soft corner.... She too felt somewhere deep inside for me... We ain't in relationship but we both do feel for each other... There's no name for this relationship that we share... But whatever it is.. it feels the best when she's around... When she smiles, when she winks... I love her so much... I so very do...

"You really made me very happy today" She messaged at night

"So did you" I replied

"What did i do?"

"That line meant a lot to me babu :) "

"You really made me feel that I am very special for you"

"You are sweetheart :)"

"And it showed how much do you love me"

" :) " I was smiling like a kid

"Today i feel like saying it: I Love You"

It was always me saying I love you and then she replied to it but for the first time actually second time that she said it...

"I Love You Too :) "

One should just say what they feel before its too late... You have no reason to love, as Love is unreasonable, unconditional the moment you start giving reasons that's not love my friend.. that's not love...."

They say its good to be with someone who loves you than being with someone whom you love.