If Only

Fictitious 

"Hi"
"Hi" She replied.
"Good Morning" I greeted her with a smile. We were meeting after two months. The last time we met... was when we broke up. When we fell apart. When things changed. Our lives changed in a click.
"Good Morning" She said and tried to sit. We were at the hospital. She was going through some operation and this is where we met again. She looked gorgeous even in that pink uniform with checks all over it. Her hair all messed up but eyes big and round with shine in them. Bandages on her right wrist and even more dressing down her right ear. I stood there right in front of her and gave her a hand to help her sit.
"How are you now? Well is it really fine that you sit? I think you should rest I mean you should keep sleeping its fine we can talk that way as well!" I speak a lot... or rather I ask a lot. At times it bothers me but i don't know how she loves that. She likes it when I ask questions and for that I don't have to do anything because that's me a big time Question Bank?
"Am bored sleeping now. And doc said its fine if I sit for a while..." She said and "Oww"
"Look you better sleep ok! No need to sit even for a while" It was painful for her as she had to take many injections on her spine which indeed hurt like hell! I helped to make her sleep again. Adjusting the pillow , blanket and her messed up her of course.
"How are you?" She asked with a smile. Smile that makes me forget everything.
"Am fine... Just working working and working in and out!" I said but, this is what i actually thought of Well am fine now after i met you again, feels complete and happy. How I wish i was in your place on that bed I could have suffered this pain for you anytime.
And out of nowhere I said the last line to her... "How I wish I was in your place on that bed" I was like Shit! I should not have said that for sure
She smiled and there was silence.
A nurse entered in the room with some more medicines. I asked her "What if i take them?" Nurse laughed and replied "Tumhare dawai lene se woh thik hoega?" She said in typical maharashtrian accent and left.
I looked at Sunaina. We saw each other and laughed.
"We are mad" She said. "Yes completely" I replied.
We were not suppose to meet in the first place and meeting her at the hospital was even more risky. So I went to meet her in the morning when her mom left and while no one was there present from her family at that time. We had long chat about what we did for two months without each other. And as we were opening up the pages of our books we realized in those two months we missed each other every single day... Our relationship was different from others... We as a couple were different from others unlike others WE NEVER FOUGHT... We laughed we lived all those moments again...
"I want you to sing for me today" She said. We sang for each other many times. There were many times in a day that we sang for each other instead of talking. We use to talk by singing like literally.
"Hehe No! its been a while... I haven't and after we broke up i have stopped listening to that song and singing as well.."
"Please! You want me to be fine right? I'll be fine if you sing for me... And am the patient so you have to do what i say" She said and laughed teasing me.
I had no other option after this.. The way she said that, I melt every time.
"Ok! But you too have to, you too have to complete the song like you always do.
"Pakka! But first you sing.. Don't make me wait." She had this beautiful smile. (I was going crazy)
I started singing and with every line her smile grew broader and broader... and I was smiling too like, like I dont know... But 'Smile chhoti padh par rahi thi by god'.
By now we were holding hands... Staring at each other smiling like idiots.
"You should sleep now!" I said
"Yah but not now.. Once you leave i will."
"Alright! Am leaving then"
"No! please stay..."
"Ok but you need to sleep..." I said and kept my palm on her forehead. "Aise toh sabko nind aa jaati hai"
"No one did this for me before" She said with her eyes closed and sweet little smile on her face.
"There's always a first time." As I said she held my hand tighter.
"You should leave, you'll be late for your office."
"I don't want to go. I want to stay here with you."
"Office is important, you have to go. I'll be fine. Don't Worry!"
"Hmm" I said and my smile disappeared somewhere. I did not want to leave.
"Go! " She said with the same smile again.
I stood up, we were still holding hands.. "Dont go" She said I sat again "No! No! Go! You have to go."
"Please take care of yourself!" I stood up and kissed her forehead.
"Yah" and I left.

She was discharged soon and we both once again started talking to each other. I felt alive again. I felt complete. Being with her, talking to her, watching her, thinking about her always made me happy. She was the one for me. It was something else.
We were now in a relationship which had no name. A relationship more than a friend and less than a couple.
Every time she felt low or sad I too felt the same. I couldn't see her that way. Never ever.
We made our rules, our promises. But what was about to happen was something I knew it the very day I met her at the hospital. I was falling for her again. But i didn't want that to happen again. I didn't want to be in a relationship again.

During these days we started sharing every single thing on our mind to each other.  And at that time I figured out she loved someone from all her heart the way I did her. And it was just fine to me. I was happy if she was. If she was happy with him I would have let her go. I too understood how it feels. I started to back out slowly just so that I don't complicate it for her. She was a girl that knew things but couldn't accept it. So i tried to do that and somewhere I succeeded too. She realized that she loved that guy. I broke when i heard that but it was me who made her do that.. made her realize.. made her accept that yes she loved him and the best part was the guy too loved her like crazy... But only because of some issues they both couldn't stay together.

Sunaina always fought for me with that guy. She liked to talk to me. We were close of course. She even said to that guy "No matter what, I am not going to stop talking to him. He (Me) was the only guy only person who stood by me when no was with me. If you see me happy and smiling today its only because of him or else I was deeply depressed."

I felt nice after hearing this but I knew something was not right. I could sense it for sure. I tried A LOT to be friend with her. But lately I realized Once in love you cannot be friend to that person.
I started feeling bad when they both met, when they both had a chat. I tried to be happy in front of her Trust me its the worst and the most difficult thing to do. 
Every time she took his name I use to somewhere die inside. I hated this feeling so badly. I wanted to shout and tell this to her that I Love You. I will love you forever till the end... till my last breath but i couldn't.. Because I was just not the one for her.

She never said this but I knew her more than she knew herself. She loved him like crazy. And that killed me.
I couldn't handle this anymore I had to do something. I couldn't stay friends with her. So one morning I decided to end it up. I tried to be rude For the first time.

"See its just not done... People come to me only when they need a shoulder to cry and then they just leave. I feel like a spare wheel of a car wherein you use it only when things are not right and rest of the time just let it be wherever it is." I din't mean any of these. But I had to. She too got mad at me and replied.
"Ok fine good that you said this! I'll see to it next time before I tell anything. It was you who said that speak your heart out and when I do i get this to hear. Thank you for listening to me. A big thanks BYE."

Things ended up but I couldn't take this.. all this happened on a mobile chat. I stood up and went straight to meet her. As we met in couple of minutes things were just fine. I saw her and I just couldn't speak. I was into her again. I Loved her like anything.

But these feelings, I couldn't handle them I had to put an end to them somehow. I wanted her to be happy. I wanted her to be clear in her mind, that guy was the one for her and they both should be together. I wanted to get out of picture completely. I knew both of them and because of me there would be issues for sure which I never wanted.

The day after I left her a message : Listen I cant take this anymore. Lets end it here. You were right, Once in love you just cant be friends. I cant be friend with you. I love you. and I can't do anything about it. Please help me out if this. I am unable to handle this. I want to be with you but not like this. I cant be with you like a friend. So please help me. Lets end it here. Let end it happily like we did it before. Please!"

Two months ago when we broke up it was done in not so usual way. We ended things happily though we didn't want to but situations made us to.

She replied "Ok as you wish! Will do as you say... Will help you for sure. Bye"

We decided to meet for the last time. It was her sisters wedding that same weekend. As I went she was right there in front of me. Dressed beautifully. I kept staring at her every second standing in a corner. I smiled when she smiled. I laughed when she laughed. She caught my eye many times and every time I skipped a beat or two. I loved her. I wanted to talk to her, meet her, embrace her, compliment her, hug her, kiss her for the last time. Sing for her for the last time. The songs were played so I asked the DJ to play the same song that we sang for each other the one in the hospital. As he played she turned around look at me. I'll never forget that moment ever and when I saw her signing too I so much wanted to hug her and cry but I was helpless.

I decided to leave as soon as possible. I met her sister and met Sunaina for a minute.
"I'll Miss You" I said in her ears.
She looked and me but said nothing.
I turned around and started walking to leave. As I reached at the gate I turned around to look at her for the last time. And to my surprise she was looking at me. I waved her Good Bye and she too.

That was last of her for me.

There's a time in life when you leave someone, not because you don't love them but, because you love them. If only I could tell her how much I loved her. If only she knew how much I loved her. If only... we could be together forever and keep our promises. 

Its better to accept something and move on instead of holding on to it and brooding over it for very long.

I wish she stays happy wherever she is. I'll cherish every moment spent with her. Those moments that am sure even she wont forget for the rest of her life. We were in love.

This was it... A small phase of my life with not so happy ending.